Daughter
by Cyath
Summary: Ritsuko comes home from a hard day's work to find someone waiting for her.


Daughter

"Run the diagnostics test again. I want to see how the harmonics work out." Sometimes, she wondered how she could sound as businesslike as she did. How cold.

"But Ritsuko-sempai, we've run the test quite a few times already…" she didn't enjoy working her staff this hard, especially Maya. The girl practically idolized her. She even liked the two other techs. But things had to be done, and they were only people that could do it.

And her, of course, Ritsuko was always only her - only she had the expertise, the wherewithal and the drive needed. "It's still within the danger margin. 0.05%, I know, but we need one last test to be sure." She tried to insert a little more life, a shred more humor into that last command, but it failed miserably, turning a crisp order into a feeble-sounding attempt at one. She saw the eyes - concerned, inquiring.

But still, they responded; it was an order, after all.

*"Ritsuko!" her mother's voice barked out. "The data, now!" Did she sound like that?*

"Of course, Ritsuko-sempai." The bright-eyed NERV tech turned to her partners. "Makoto, Shigeru, could you please run the simulation again…" her voice trailed off as she returned to her musings. At another time, she might have found the slightly vindictive stares the two gave her laughable, even amusing. But now they were just tiring. She *was* tired after all; although Maya could help, she was the one who had to go through all of the data regarding the Evangelions. And she wanted to go home and rest.

"Begin testing." There, that cold, emotionless tone again. Maybe it came from associating with Gendou. Maybe not. "Hai!" came the response from her protege. She sounded like that once, she knew. But that someone was someone from long ago. Someone with a mother.

Why today? Why take it so hard? she chided herself. It was nothing. At least nothing that concrete, real. But then again it was, in some way.

*"Yes, Kaasan." The tone was angry, resentful. "Here's the results."*

Why should that matter? she asked herself for the nth time today. Why should that matter when nothing much of anything else does? She watched the system schematics, the seemingly endless flow of orange numerals that scrolled down page by page, with dispassionate eyes as she debated the answer to that question. Once again, she was forced to admit that she didn't know. There came a point (the "synchronization point", she thought wryly) when rational thought ended and feelings took over. And as much as she hated to admit it, sometimes she passed that point. Maybe it was just one of those days. Maybe not. She still didn't know what to do, whatever it was.

*"Take a break, Rit-chan." Suddenly the voice was gentler, calmer. "You're overworking yourself."*

She felt tired; that's what it was. She would go home and have a good rest - no matter that she hadn't needed one in ages. Neither had her mother, but that was beside the point. She had lots of things to do in any case.

Such as, came the bitter reminder. More work, always more work. Sometimes, it got so that she thought NERV was her life - that her entire existence revolved around the Magi and the Units and everything connected to them. The clones, Children...everything.

"Ritsuko-sempai…Ritsuko-sempai…" it took her a while to realize that Maya was shaking and looking concernedly at her while the other techs stared in consternation. She shook herself out of her reverie, muttering a brief apology, grabbing some of the sheets of paper that spewed out of the machine at her side and mouthing an even briefer something about "having to go home right now" as she rushed out of the room.

Her mind, as she rushed to her car, was a confused jumble of thoughts, and images, and feelings. Especially the last.

*"Kaasan...won't you ever marry again?"*

It was only when she was putting the ignition key in the slot when she realized the last time she'd done that. That was that time when her mother had chewed her out over overworking herself that day before her final exam, and she'd replied sharply that she, Naoko did the same herself, then had hurried to her car lest she miss the first paper. More than once, for both of them. Ritsuko the straight A student. In fact, altogether too many times. But not today. Today was special.

*"Kaasan, I did it! I passed...I can work for GEHIRN now, like you!" Jubilant, then disappointed at her mother's glare.*

She was happy, for her. Back then. The doctor found herself checking a sigh; she had forgotten how kind her mother could be.

But it was an even longer time before she stopped shaking. She let out a long breath and pulled the key out; there would be no driving for her tonight, not with her mind in this state. No work, either; she dropped her stack of papers in the back seat of the car, noting with a bit of shock that some were actually damp at the edges from the sweat on her hands. She was evidently more overwrought than she had expected.

"Don't make my mistake, daughter. Do something else.*

That alone was a cause for concern. But worried? With what, she wondered as she walked briskly out of the carpark into the evening sunset. Work? Not bloody likely. Despite her previous misgivings, she wasn't that much like her mother, who would bring back stacks upon sheaves of printouts daily; there was data to sort, certainly, diagnostics to go over, a million and one other things to do, but she could do all of them.

*"KAASAN!"*

Then what? Her mother? No.

*"Kaasan..I love you." It seemed like such a long time ago that she had said that.*

Lies, her mind whispered.

If not her mother, then what?

People, maybe. Misato wasn't getting on her nerves any more than usual, Kaji was off god knows where. Maya had just helped her out today and she didn't care about the other two. The Children...yes, maybe the Children. Fuyutsuki was as unreadable as ever. And Gendou.

*"Don't ask about your father, Rit-chan. You probably don't want to know."*

But no - a bad mood, she told herself. It would pass. Nothing more.

Was her mother like that? Did she shut everyone out? Was she scared, like Naoko was?

*"Don't lie to me, Kaasan." Terrified but not showing it. Scared, even more, by her mother's bowed head and the glaze in her eyes.*

Sighing in frustration, she put her hands to her head as she felt a full-strength headache come on. Face it, she thought irritably, this is not a good day. She would head home, she decided. She was working a bit too hard; perhaps a shower and a meal would do her good.

*"Ritsuko, people don't live on coffee alone. Gently reprimanding.*

Haunting her. Always one step behind her, ghost voice whispering in her ears. But the thoughts could be so comforting, sometimes. When she needed them.

*"Mother." Voice cold and without feeling.*

She gave up. Headed home, head bent almost double to the steering wheel, as she systemically ran through all the diagnostics she had ever performed on the Units. She was late; she was going to have to take the car after all. Anything to keep her mind off that. After all, today was…

She swerved desperately to avoid the blue sedan that seemed to suddenly appear in front of her and cursed again. Damn. It had to be weighing on her mind a lot more than she first thought. But it was only as she turned the final corner to the avenue leading up to her apartment that she was calmer, the pace of her thoughts less frenetic, and she could realize just what she was worrying about.

Not about her mother. No, something a lot - closer to her.

Slowly, Ritsuko Akagi pushed the door of her apartment open an inch at a time. Good, no sound. It was supposed to be a surprise anyway. Stepping into the living room, she peeped silently around. Nothing. Even better.

*Happy birthday, Rit-chan! She was happy. They were both happy. She'd remember that day for the rest of her life.*

And she did.

She caught sight of her as she rounded the other corner to the bedroom - small white head inclined over a book as usual, the red eyes and pale face intent with concentration. But all that didn't prevent her from running to Ritsuko with a smile and laugh as she entered the room, or her mother scooping her up with a whoop of joy.

She looked the same as ever, and somehow that made Ritsuko Akagi very happy.

"Happy birthday, Rei."

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End file.
